


Permutations

by Luna (lunasky)



Category: Alias
Genre: Challenge Response, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-18
Updated: 2004-04-18
Packaged: 2017-10-09 00:30:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/81077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunasky/pseuds/Luna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Crossings. Definition: Mathematics. A rearrangement of elements within a set.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Permutations

**Author's Note:**

> Much beta love for the wonderful daera23. Written for Lovefest Challenge 2004

**{1, 2, 3, 4}**

 

When they arrested Lauren, I thought I'd seen just about everything.

But nothing is ever that simple and really, you'd think I should know that by now. Especially since my entire life has always been based on lies. But you know, that's not even it. A lie can only exist as a pair to the truth. And that's the heart of the matter. Action and reaction. Truth and deceit. Loyalty and betrayal. They're all pairs dependent on each other.

And it seems to me, that my life is based on their duplicity.

I led a double life when I first started at SD-6. I had my work, and the lie I told my friends. Then, just to complicate matters, I became a double agent for the CIA. Of course, after that, my best friend was doubled and murdered. In retrospect, it seems to me that it's no coincidence that it's the last two years of my life that I can't remember. Two years, during which time I was, of course, a double agent.

Again.

The number forty-seven doesn't seem to have anything on the number two.

And it's not even over yet.

They dragged Lauren away in chains this morning. I wanted to feel bad. I really did. She betrayed everyone, especially Vaughn. Whereas I seem to be doomed to the life of a double agent, it seems to me, that the men in my life are forever falling in love and marrying undercover operatives.

And as the office door swung shut behind the FBI men and his wife, Vaughn looked up at me. The proverbial dust hadn't even been allowed to settle before we were staring at each other across the open office floor, as if our eyes were drawn together. It was a strange moment of déjà vu, except this time there weren't overhead wires falling from the ceiling and smoke left over from the tear gas. It was just the two of us again; each of us carrying enough emotional baggage to keep Louis Vuitton in business for a decade, but finally with the opportunity to start sorting it all out.

And like before, in the aftermath of the SD-6 take down, we found each other, though at least this time we put on less of a show. All I remember is that with a few long paces, he had found me again, and wrapped me up in his arms.

And it felt so good to be there.

With the number of FBI and high ranking government officials crawling around though, we weren't in a position to start sorting anything out. When he finally leaned back and whispered in my ear, "Can we get out of here for a few minutes, we really need to talk," I was more than happy to oblige him.

Of course, the next thing I knew, I was being dragged past our old flirting corner and into the male staff washroom. The one at this end of the office is actually only one stall, so Vaughn was able to turn around and lock the door.

And then he turned back towards me.

His face was a little haggard but it was his eyes that got me. They looked at me with so much devotion and love, that I temporarily forgot all about his wife just being arrested and us having about two years worth of issues to talk about. Instead he just caressed my face with the back of his hand and that was all it took. He leaned in to kiss me and though it should have been gentle, it wasn't. We had shared gentle, scared little kisses three weeks ago, in North Korea. Now they were hungry. He thrust his tongue into my mouth with an abandon that should have triggered an alarm, but the sensations were just too overwhelming.

He was with me. Here. Again. Almost like nothing had changed, even though everything had. But all the months of loneliness, and pain; all the tears that I had shed into my pillow, silently at night, they could be forgotten. They were forgotten. Especially when he threaded his fingers through my hair and pressed my face harder into his.

Before I knew it, I was slammed up against the bathroom wall, running my fingers across the stubble on his face, and devouring his lips with mine. It was rough and wild, but at least it was real.

It was just him and me. Like so many times before, but really never enough. We'd just been starting out two years ago. Though we knew each other more intimately from our connections over the comm link and our rendezvous in the warehouse and slushy counters than some married couples do, we were really just starting to fully come together. Hell, I hadn't even visited his place yet, because we could never seem to make it past mine when he dropped me off.

We were really just at the beginning of our relationship, before it was forced to end.

But right now he has me pressed up against the cold tiles, and the only thing I can feel is his lean, hard body against mine. His tongue is warm and wet but it's his, and it's inside my mouth. Do you know what that sensation feels like? Do you really understand the intimacy involved in penetrating another human being with your tongue? It would be corny and cliché to say that all the torture and pain have no meaning to me now. Of course they don't. They are intangible and fleeting especially in his presence. In fact, nothing has any meaning now except for the fact that he's back with me. In me. Around me.

It's not immediately obvious to me that I want more than just what he's giving me. But maybe that's because for the last five months I'd have settled for a warm acknowledgment from him. But now, with his erection rubbing against my hip and his hand cupping my breast I know what we need. We need to shatter all the barriers around us that have been built up and we need to start over again. We need to claim and be claimed completely, if for no other reason than because now we can. Right now we need to be absolutely real to each other so that maybe we can start to pick up the pieces of our lives.

He rips the button off of my suit jacket and I vaguely hear it ping against the sink. With the desperation of a drowning man trying to come up for air, Vaughn is pulling the shirt out of my pants and fumbling with my belt buckle to make it come undone.

I don't worry about irrelevant things like clothes. He has a tie on and that's all I need. I reach out and yank on it, forcing his face back towards mine. He manages to get my belt off, so I step out of my shoes while never giving up his lips and he takes my lead. It's not graceful or proper, but he helps me shimmy out of my pants and underwear as I hook first my right leg around his hips, and then my left. He takes my weight and uses the wall as a support against my back as he undoes his own pants and pushes them to the floor.

And then I feel him, at my entrance but he's just teasing. He has one hand on my ass, keeping me up against the wall and my legs around his waist. His other hand is in position to take advantage of the situation which he does by grasping his cock and rubbing against my clitoris.

He's trying to warm me up, but I don't need the extra stimulation. I think my orgasm was a forgone conclusion the moment he thrust his tongue into my mouth. What I do need however, is him inside of me right now. So I reach in between us and swat his hand away from his penis and take over myself. I know exactly what I want. I slide the tip of his head against my softness and bring him up into me slowly.

He's pulled his face away from me and his eyes are half closed. I can feel his breaths coming fast through his partially opened lips and I watch his face as he enters me deeper and deeper. And when I can feel him filling me completely, he throws his head back with a groan and then pulls my face towards him.

And now we're kissing and devouring each other as he thrusts into me over and over again. There are no other sensations or feelings. There is only the two of us. I know this because I can feel him hard inside me, sliding in and out. The pain of his fingernails, digging into my legs is sharp but it only makes me focus on my body even more. I can feel his tongue battling with mine. We are with each other completely.

The pressure's starting to grow and it's not that I want this over quickly, it's just that I need so much more. I shift my weight a little so that so that my clitoris is being rubbed as well and then suddenly everything is erupting within me. I feel like the spasms will either kill me or save me and I pray that they never end, even though I don't think I can take anymore it.

I collapse against the wall and Vaughn is leaning spent against me and to be honest, that's the only reason I know that he followed me along, every inch of the way. His forehead is leaning against my shoulder and I can hear him panting softly.

 

**{2, 1, 4, 3}**

 

Slowly we come to our senses and he lets me slide my legs down so that I can support my own weight. He caresses my face softly so I look up at him.

His face is flushed but the longing, though slightly abated, is still present in his eyes. With the immediate urgency of our passion gone, I can take the time to examine his face more closely.

And that's when it strikes me that something is not quite right. He just found out that his wife betrayed him. With our history and the underlying sexual tension of the last three weeks, I can't blame him for coming to me so quickly. That's not what's bothering me. But as I look closer at his face, I figure out what it is that's so strange. His eyes are layers of emotions, but they've always been able to speak to me. And suddenly it's very obvious to me that there's no anger or pain hiding behind the lust in his eyes.

It's triumph.

And that doesn't make any sense. I know that if that had happened to me, I would be showing Rambaldi a thing or two about a burning anger.

But, no. It's there plain as day. Even the corners of his mouth have started to turn up in an expression of victory.

He is happy. He is truly happy.

"What the fuck is going on, Vaughn?" My voice cracks as I try and speak.

"What?" He looks at me all confused for a moment but then the silly grin is back and plastered to his face as if he suddenly understands what I'm talking about. "It's over Syd. It's really all over!"

I still don't know what he's talking about, but there can be only one explanation for all this. I lean down to pick up my discarded underwear and pants.

"You knew? You knew Lauren worked for the Covenant?"

Vaughn nods. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that night in Hong Kong, I wanted to. But Kendall wouldn't allow it. These last five months have just been torture, but it's all over now. It's finally over."

"You wanted to tell me in Hong Kong?" I look at him confused. The night I came back from the dead, the one thing he wanted to tell me was that he was married to a double agent?

But he proceeds as if it makes perfect sense. "I know, I know. With everything that you'd been through, God, but I was so happy to see you again. It was torture those first nine months when I thought you were really dead. I wasn't lying to you about that. I was in rough shape. And when Kendall told me you were alive but working for the Covenant... God, I'm not sure if that was worse. Knowing you were in danger and not being able to do or to know anything--"

"What did you just say?" My voice is so low, I'm not sure he heard my but I frantically pull up my pants and do my belt back up. My stomach has just bottomed out and is currently residing somewhere in the vicinity of where my legs should be.

Vaughn looks at me confused. "I was so happy to see you alive?"

"No. The part about Kendall telling you that I was alive and working for the Covenant."

I feel like shaking. He's known all this time?

He's studying my face and he knows that I'm angry now. He backs away cautiously.

I happen to think it's a little late for caution now. I shove him away with perhaps more energy than I intended to because he goes tumbling backwards. I storm out of the small washroom and scan the area until I find the one man I am looking for and make a beeline for him.

My father looks up as I approach, no doubt taking in my disheveled appearance. "Sydney. Has Vaughn explained everything to you?" he asks quietly.

"I was getting to it." I whirl around when I hear Vaughn's voice behind me. He must have sprinted to catch up with me, though his tie is still a little skewed.

Something clicks in my mind and I turn back towards my father. "Wait a second. Dad, did you know about Lauren too?"

My father looks at me carefully. "Yes."

"And you didn't think to tell me about it?"

"You didn't need to know," he deadpans to me.

I told you my life was based on lies. Ironically and unintentionally, I lied. My life is actually based on permutations of lies. More and more lies, just one on top of another.

Vaughn lays a hand on my shoulder but I shake it off. My father gives me a disapproving look which feeds my anger. "So who else knew that I was working for the Covenant for the last two years?"

My father and Vaughn avoid my eyes, until I spin around and grab Vaughn by the collar and ask him again.

"Some people knew, but we had to be so careful with the intel!" I grip the collar even tighter and I can see Vaughn's face turning slightly red. "Me, your dad...Weiss...Marshall, Dixon. That's it, I swear!"

"That's it?" My voice sounds a little shrill in my ears, but I'm beyond trying to keep quiet now. "Everyone knew and nobody said anything?"

My dad steps in and removes my hands from Vaughn's neck. "You need to calm down, Sydney. A lot has happened in the last two years that we're still trying to make sense of. Besides, before you embarrass yourself further, I think you need to admit that this wasn't the only secret being kept, was it?"

My anger starts to drain and it is slowly replaced by a paralyzing fear as my father stares at me with his piercing eyes. Finally I have to speak, just to break the silence. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do Sydney. So either you tell him, or I will. Did you really think that your mother wouldn't tell me what she'd done? You have to trust me now. It's safe to talk."

Safe is such a relative turn. Who knows what is safe really? Parents are supposed to keep their children safe, not brainwash them as a child and shoot them in the shoulder the first time the see them in over twenty years. They're not supposed to let them get kidnapped. And they're certainly not supposed to kidnap them in return and demand that they believe them.

But everything is just based on lies. And it always seems to start with me.

I glance at Vaughn, and he is looking at me with a great deal of confusion.

"She told me never to speak of it. She said to never even think about it. She said my life and the lives of those dear to me, depended on me doing this and keeping my secret."

My dad gives me a little nod in understanding. "Sydney, you have to trust me now. You're safe."

I can feel my shoulders slump in defeat as Vaughn demands to know what my father is talking about.

I can't look at him, so I look towards the floor. "I lied about not remembering anything for the last two years," I whisper.

I risk a quick glance up at him and I see Vaughn staring at me, shocked. My father is impassive and I really wonder how long he's known.

"Why?" Vaughn finally asks me.

Such a simple question but with such a myriad of answers.

I take a deep breath. "I had no choice. I had to work for the Covenant. If they knew that I wasn't Julia, they would have killed me on the spot. If I ran away, they would have hunted me down and killed me. I knew too much about the inner workings of their organization. The only way for me to go home, was if I brought them down."

"I know," Vaughn replies. "Kendall told us that. We took every scrap of intel that he passed on to us and we squeezed it dry. When you disappeared after recovering the Rambaldi cube, we received intel that there was a mole in the CIA. That's why I married Lauren. We traced the leaks to her. I married her to get you back."

I want to cry.

"The reason I disappeared after getting the cube, is because my mother captured me on that mission, right after I recovered it. At first I didn't know it was her. I woke up, tied to a chair and a black bag over my eyes. I couldn't hear anything either, they'd stuffed earplugs in my ears. After everything I'd gone through with the Covenant and at the hands of Oleg I can't tell you how terrifying it was to be in that position again."

I watch my dad's face turn to anger. It's obvious that my mother retelling left a few parts out. "At first I didn't know what was going on. No one was talking to me, or at least I couldn't hear anything, I didn't know who had me or what they wanted. I struggled for a long time, but then I felt someone touching my hand. I freaked out and started struggling again and they left me alone. Finally, after a while I figured out that they were trying to communicate with me."

"How?" Vaughn looks at me with a mixture of horror and pity. "How did they expect to communicate with you if you couldn't see them or hear them?"

"Do you remember the story of how the taught Helen Keller to speak? They wrote words on her hands with their fingers. That's what my mother did to me. She communicated with me by spelling words on my hands."

"But how do you know it was her?"

"It wasn't that hard. There are things that only my mother knows. When I finally understood that it was her, she told me about the mole in the CIA. That the Covenant had operatives in some high levels of government. As proof, she told me about the immunity agreement that the NSC had given Sloane. Then, she told me that you were in danger and that I had to return home. Of course I couldn't talk because she'd shoved a gag in my mouth, but using the same method of communication, I told her why I couldn't leave the Covenant. I'd be risking all of your lives, not just mine if I returned home. So she came up with the plan. I was to pretend to get my memories erased for the entire time I was with them. She figured that if I couldn't give them up, then the threat of me leaving wasn't enough for them to risk exposure by killing me or anyone I cared about. But she made it very clear to me that I could trust no one with my secret. She couldn't tell me who the mole was, but she thought it was someone very close to me, some one who I unconsciously told everything to. So the only thing I could do was to pretend with all my heart, that I actually had erased the last two years."

Vaughn rubs his forehead and then slams his fist down on a desk. "God, do you know how much time we could have saved if we'd known that you remembered everything?" But then he shakes his head in defeat. "But your mother was right, you know. As much as it pains me to say it, I'm glad you didn't tell me. There's no way of telling what Lauren could have bugged."

I nod and then look towards my father. "But I'm sorry for not telling you, Dad. Mom told me that she would get in touch with you when it was safe to do so but you never said anything to me. I didn't know that you knew."

My dad looks at me and gives me a soft smile. "It's ok, sweetheart. And for once, I have to admit that your mother gave you good advice. The NSC has had me under heavy surveillance since they released me. It wouldn't have been safe for you to speak freely with me."

I glance around the office and I notice that a computer screen is showing CNN. The live news broadcast is muted but I can clearly see the headlines running along the bottom of the monitor.

Vice President, Secretary of State and five senators arrested today for espionage.

My dad's voice brings me gently back to the conversation. "Remember when you lied to Senator Douglas to secure your mother's and my release? You told him that a United States Senator was working for the Alliance. Ironically enough, you weren't actually lying."

"I thought Lindsey was the mole."

My father shrugs. "Lindsey liked to think that he was more important than he actually was, so it wouldn't surprise me if he thought he was smart enough to play their game. Half the upper levels of the NSC seem to be involved in this scandal."

A sudden thought occurs to me. "Is Lauren's dad one of the senators that they've indicted?"

My dad nods.

I slump down on the desk that we're standing next to and put my head in my hands. I can feel the start of a headache coming on, and I just want to curl up.

My father immediately puts a concerned hand on my shoulder and suggests to Vaughn that he take me home. He insists that we'll have plenty of time over the next few months to make our statements to the FBI and I'm suddenly too tired to argue.

I let Vaughn grab my jacket and purse and I follow him out of the office.

 

**{2, 4, 1, 3}**

 

Kendall watches her leave the office with Vaughn's arm around her shoulder and waits a few more minutes before making his way over the Jack.

"Did it work?" he doesn't waste any time with preambles and for that Jack is thankful.

"I assume so, since she's not dead yet. I suppose I have to give Agent Vaughn some credit, since it seems that he managed to inject the neurotransmitters without her knowledge."

Kendall put his hand up to prevent Jack from giving him anymore details. "Whatever. As long as it's done. I still don't understand why you don't want to tell her about the implant. I think she deserves to know that she was the mole within the CIA."

Jack shook his head and spoke firmly. "Two reasons. The first of which, is that she doesn't need that kind of guilt weighing down upon her. She had no way of knowing that the implant in her brain stem allows them to tap into her auditory and visual nerves. She was doing everything in her power to fight against them. The last thing she needs to know is that all her pain was for nothing; that she was actually helping them. The second reason I don't want to tell her is because Irina expects me to."

Kendall shook his head. "Yes, well that's another thing I don't get. I can't believe that you would trust anything Irina gave you, let alone something that she wants you to inject into your daughter. Did I miss something there?"

"I know Irina." Jack shrugged. "Trust me. She would not harm her own daughter. That being said, you're right, I don't completely trust her and that's why I think it's best if we make ourselves less predictable. If she hopes to achieve some kind of gratitude from Sydney, we don't have to play along."

"Do you have any idea what her endgame is?"

Jack shook his head. "I know that she was furious that the NSC held Sark for two years. She turned him into us, with the knowledge that he knew enough valuable intel to broker a deal for himself and put Sloane behind bars for the rest of his life."

"Lindsey rejected Sark's deal outright."

Jack nodded. "I don't know what Irina's endgame with Sloane is, but I have every intention of finding out. It seems like she's hanging him out the dry."

Jack bit the inside of his cheek, lost in thought.

 

**{4, 3, 2, 1}**

 

"I'm sorry Vaughn, I just don't know where this headache came from."

"It's ok Syd." There was a pause as Vaughn looked away, unable to meet her eyes. "I think the headache might be my fault."

"What are you talking about?"

Sark heard him sigh and then watched as he turned back to look at her. "Jack came up to me a few days ago to let me know that they'd finally received enough proof to move on the higher levels of the NSC, so Lauren would be going down soon. Then he told me that when the Covenant was trying to recondition you, they'd implanted a tracking device similar to the one that Elsa Caplan injected into her husband. The moment we went after everyone, the Covenant was likely to activate the chip and kill you. Of course, they've improved their technology since Caplan used it; intel indicated that there was no delay anymore from activation to release of the cyanide. Jack had an antidote made up and gave it to me to inject into you."

"You injected it into me?"

Sark lowered the volume on the headphones, so that Sydney's voice didn't give him a headache.

"Yeah, in the washroom."

Sark snorted in a laugh and shook his head. "Bad move, Agent Vaughn. You should have left it alone." Sark tapped his pen lightly against the desk as he watched the video screen in amusement. The image from Vaughn's feed snapped around as Sydney slapped him in the face.

"What's so funny?" Irina asked, coming up behind him.

Sark shook his head. "Nothing. I'm just continually shocked that Agent Vaughn managed to fool Lauren and Sydney so completely about his marriage, but then the moment he's allowed to be himself, he turns into a blubbering fool."

Irina rolled her eyes at him. "How's Jack's feed coming in?"

Sark rolled his chair over to a third console. "Loud and clear. The only problem we're still is from Vaughn's signal when he's in the underground CIA office."

"That's not surprising." Irina turned towards her sister who had followed her into the room. "We were still in the development stage of the neurotransmitter when he was exposed to them. We hadn't solved the immune response issue yet. I suspect that some of his transmitters were damaged during his sickness."

Katya nodded. "Well, it was strong enough for me to use to find them in Korea. But tell me, how did you get them in Jack?" She raised her eyebrow suggestively.

Irina's mouth twisted in irony. "Actually, I didn't. Arvin Sloane did, when he captured Jack while assembling Il Dire. That's why I needed you to destroy their friendship that was rebuilding in the wake of Sydney's return. Sloane could have jeopardized everything if he'd told Jack about them."

"Well, not to worry. CNN just announced that Arvin Sloane's immunity agreement is void because of the scandal. It won't be long before he's knocking back at your door." Katya smiled, obviously pleased with herself. "I hope you learned your lesson this time about trusting the CIA to do anything right."

Irina moved away from the consoles and turned towards her sister. "You're right, of course. I had merely hoped for an easy solution. I should have known though. This endgame between the two of us has been thirty years in the making."

"Well, you're in a much stronger position now than you've ever been."

"And so is he now that he has the Rambaldi machine. But no matter." Irina gestured to the consoles. "The players are all in place."

A large man came and knocked on the door. He was holding a satellite phone. "Ms. Derevko, Arvin Sloane is on the phone and he wants to speak with you."

Irina smiled at her sister. "And so it begins."

~~~  
1/1


End file.
